THEY'RE NOT RIOTS!
According to head officials at the Centers for Disease Control, functional MRI studies of rioters have fit autopsy data that suggests these people are under the influence of some sort of mind-altering agent causing erratic, violent behavior.
A source inside the CDC, who did not wish to be named, informed our reporter "It's not just the rioters.
They're the heaviest affected, but we scanned our own brains when we found out.
It's everyone.
It's in me, and you.
It's in the government.
The military.
God help us all."