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SUPPORT THE COUNTRIES THAT SUPPORT YOURS - PRESIDENT: Earlier today, in an unexpected and unpopular decision, the president suggested the possible institution of a peacetime draft in response to increasing Chinese aggression towards Taiwan and the Philippines. "We must pray for the best while preparing for the worst. We cannot abandon key allies in the face of Chinese bullying."
EVACS UNSTOCKED: TRUTH OR FICTION? An unidentified government source has suggested that the evacuation centers are unstocked, having "already accomplished the goal of calming the people". He later retracted the comment and is unable to be contacted.
SPIKE IN MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS HAS EPIDEMIOLOGISTS WORRIED. "There's no doubt about it," said a spokesperson from Mount Sinai Hospital. "Hospitals over the US are overwhelmed with an increase in psychiatrically-related violent behavior such as explosivity and aggressive paranoia. The most likely cause is a new street drug; we have yet to identify any commonality between the affected people." Dr. Andrew Morton, a Harvard epidemiologist, has a different opinion. "These people aren't drug users. They're coming from all walks of life. Sure, there's a predilection for people who already have some mental illness, but we're seeing perfectly normal people suddenly presenting with violent explosive behavior. I think the most likely cause is infectious: no other pattern would fit this widespread an outbreak."
UFO CRASH: TRUTH OR FICTION? One civilian account claims a shining disk appeared in his field. "It kind of glowed, and I could see a strange gray world through it. Then a shambling hazy purple mushroom came through, man."
TIME TRAVEL: TRUTH OR FICTION? Leaked federal documents describe the formation of a new federal agency called XEDRA, to oversee "4th Axis technology" already in use. Our expert's opinion suggests time-travel or parallel worlds. The meaning of the acronym is currently unknown.
EDITORIAL: THE CHINESE CONTROL OUR MEDIA. No, I don't mean they're writing the articles, but there's no doubt in my mind our social media, from FriendFace to Twitfeed to Eddit, is now run by Chinese influencers. The real question is not IF they're doing it, but HOW they're using this influence to affect American minds.
THE SOLDIER OF THE FUTURE, AT LAST. The military's latest powered infantry exoskeleton has been released for widespread, non-testing use. Although numbers are still very limited, official sources say that within two years every infantry unit will have access to two powered exoskeletons for heavy operations. Within five, light exoskeletons will be the standard issue armor for US ground forces. "This is going to put our military so far ahead of the rest of the world, it's like we have guns while they have spears," General Alex Findlay said in a press release. The new armor is powered by a proprietary fuel cell developed by the military and hoped to be ready for civilian distribution in the next few years.
INCREASE IN "MONSTER" SIGHTINGS HAS EXPERTS BAFFLED. A tenfold spike in sightings of unexplained phenomena, particularly fantastic beasts and monsters, has experts confused. "This could be related to the recent rise in hallucinations," said Dr. Barb Coulson in an interview on web-based debate show ContraPoints on Friday. "It's probably drugs," replied debate partner Leanne Jefferson, a spokesperson from MADD. "You're both idiots," moderator Natalie Wynn interjected. "The obvious answer is that it's monsters walking the Earth, preparing to kill us all."
FOODPLACE PANTS FEUD. An ongoing legal battle between popular fast food megalith Foodplace and the non-profit Concerned Consumers of Foodpeople has ended with the determination that the Foodperson costume will remain a gender-neutral, nonrevealing unitard. "Superheroes are meant to have exaggerated anatomy and revealing costumes," a spokesperson from CCF said in a press release. "This is a sad day not just for fans of Foodplace, but for consumers of the fast-food superhero genre overall." A spokesperson from rival food company NourishMart sent out a press release just minutes after the ruling: "NOURISHMART INFORMS THE PUBLIC THAT NOURISHMARTIC DOES NOT WEAR ANY CLOTHES. NOURISHMARTIC IS SOFTWARE. NOURISHMARTIC CAN PRESENT AN AVATAR OF WHATEVER APPEALING MEAT-FORM IS DESIRED BY THE PUBLIC. EAT AT NOURISHMART. OUR PRODUCTS CONTAIN A MIX OF FAT, SALT, AND PROTEIN THAT IS HIGHLY DESIRABLE TO HUMAN PALATES."
ASIAN AGENTS RESPONSIBLE FOR "MONSTER" ATTACKS. Sources have confirmed with photographic evidence that the rise in 'monster' sightings and attacks recently is the work of hostile Eastern agents believed to originate in either China or North Korea. The government has refused to respond to evidence provided by our investigative journalist team proving that hallucinogenic gases and puppets were used to spawn the widely circulated social media phenomenon.
RIOTS CONTINUE IN SOUTH AMERICA, AFRICA. Although reports are inconsistent, it has been confirmed that widespread rioting in poverty-stricken regions of Africa and South America, as well as some parts of Indonesia, Asia, the Middle East, and Eastern Europe, have continued and only grown in severity. "It's obvious this is a social media effect," said political science professor Dr. Ely Savage. "Economists have been saying for some time that the current situation of developed nations forcing underdeveloped nations into semi-slavery couldn't last, and now we're seeing the repercussions."
RIOT IN CARLHAVEN. A riot broke out in a supermarket in Carlhaven, Nebraska, today. A bystander who left the scene as violence started told police that it began with a dispute over the last box of frozen Foodplace hamburger patties, but quickly escalated "For no reason at all". Police arrived on the scene and were quickly forced to deploy less-lethal weaponry in response to what was described by Sheriff Paul Redekopp as "A complete sh*t show". Seven people are dead, and another six in critical condition in Carlhaven General Hospital.
RIOT IN BANKSLEY. Irony was hot and dangerous in Banksley, Vermont today, where a fight broke out in a local coffee shop, reportedly starting over a dispute about the details of a similar riot in Carlhaven, Nebraska. Within an hour, the fight had expanded to engulf the local downtown core. Danielle Louiston, a server who fled the scene, was available for phone interview. "It was like nothin' I've ever seen," describes Danielle. "One minute it's a normal Friday morning, the next it's a bar brawl. By the time I got outta there, most of the restaurant was involved. I got in my car and just bolted home, then called the cops. Turns out they're all in the fight! The secretary and I, we got hold of the military and finally they came in and cleared things up." Stabilizing the riots required the dispatch of three National Guard units. Casualty reports are, as yet, unavailable.
ECONOMIC RIOTING SPREADS TO UNITED STATES. Global economic riots, started in Africa and South America, have spread to the continental United States. More than thirty riots were reported over the weekend, primarily in poorer regions of the Midwest and South. "I don't think this is related to what happened in Carlhaven or Banksley," a spokesperson from the National Guard said in response to media inquiry. "Those were isolated incidents, while this is very clearly a coordinated social media effort." Police and the National Guard are containing riots as they crop up. President Oswald, in a speech on Sunday evening, reminded Americans of our solidarity. "Enemies perch at our every border, watching for signs of weakness. Now is not the time to shoot ourselves in the feet."
THE MAN BEHIND THE RIOTS. [Photograph: Interpol identification photograph of Qiang Ye, taken at Maastricht airport.] Our sources in the UN have informed reporters that the investigative committee in charge of the riots currently engulfing most of the world, nicknamed the "FriendFace Riots" for the role of social media in spreading the violence, are the work of a discredited Chinese hacker and alleged intelligence agent, Qiang Ye. Ye is wanted by Interpol for his involvement in a cyberterror attack on Dutch banks several years ago that led to billions of dollars of losses for European banks. The Chinese government has disavowed any connection to Ye for years. "One man, with an army of well-programmed bots at his control, could certainly be behind this," said Dr. Ely Savage, a professor of political science at Berkeley and our expert correspondent on the riots. "Social media is very susceptible to this sort of influence."
VIOLENT OUTBREAKS CAUSED BY DRUG CONTAMINATION: Reports of riots being a social media effect were disputed today by NSA spokesperson Colonel Shawn Singer. "These are isolated incidents. There is no evidence of any social media articles that are causing them, here or abroad. The violence is random and senseless. We are currently investigating a promising theory that a malicious contamination effect of the street drug methothexazole, known as 'Forbidden City', is responsible. Whatever the cause, the National Guard has these riots very well contained."
EDITORIAL: FORGET DRUGS OR FRIENDFACE, THESE ARE THE GAMER RIOTS. I can't believe how many idiots are wasting their time blaming social media or drugs on the riots we're facing when the answer is obvious: this is the result of letting our kids fall to the moral iniquity of video games. Just last week I saw my kid playing one of those stupid bleep-bloop games, all letters and numbers and symbols. When I asked him what he was doing it was absolutely appalling. Violence. Cannibalism. Humans as cattle. Mermaid abuse. Yesterday, he was arrested for participating in the riots. Coincidence? Pretty obviously not. Our government is in the pocket of these video game developers, and we're all paying the price.
MORE ORDAINED MINISTERS NEEDED. Wedlock is down, but last minute nuptials, elopements, vow-renewals and 'micromonies' have been on the rise, supposedly in response to many of the recent events and uneasing developments as more people are feeling less secure about dating in these troubled times, therefore rushing to the altar in preparation for the worst, or to cross items off the bucket list before it's too late. As a result, the nation is experiencing a shortage of marriage officiants. Luckily, now more than ever, since the beginning of the 21st century it's become increasingly easier to become qualified to help couples of all kinds celebrate their commitment to each other. However, not enough people are rising to the occasion.
BUNKERS OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Forget the backwater "Last Man on Earth" shelter you helped your buddy pour the foundations for. We got a look inside the private bunker of James Hawthorne himself! Ever wonder what it would feel like to weather a disaster in style? Wonder no more.
POLICE TO INVESTIGATE SHADY HILLS. There will be a "thorough investigation" into the Shady Hills nursing home, owned by Shady Hills Corporation, said police Monday. The announcement came following several lawsuits launching against the home by family members of residents for alleged elder abuse and neglect.
FBI EXPOSES "ZOMBIE" VIDEO HOAXES. The FBI's Cyber Division announced the results of a months-long investigation into what it called "one of the most sophisticated disinformation campaigns in recent memory," revealing that dozens of the most viral "zombie attack" videos were carefully staged productions using professional makeup effects and willing participants. The bureau released behind-the-scenes footage of eleven of the clips, showing teams of makeup artists applying prosthetics and actors rehearsing their stumbling walks before filming. The hoax videos gained traction at an unfortunate time, with reports of unusual violence climbing across the country and emergency rooms dealing with a surge in patients presenting with extreme aggressive behavior.
FBI SAYS "ZOMBIE VIDEOS" ARE FAKE. NOT EVERYONE IS LISTENING. On the forum r/RealLifeConspiracies, which has gained over three hundred thousand subscribers since the FBI's announcement, users have posted detailed breakdowns of shadow angles and lighting inconsistencies between the original clips and the bureau's behind-the-scenes footage. "These aren't the same location," one post concludes. Other posts on the forum have focused on the individuals who came forward to claim credit for the videos, with one user attempting to trace the social media histories of six people identified by the FBI as participants in the scheme. The user claims that none of them had public accounts predating the FBI's announcement, and that two of the names don't appear in any public records databases.
COUNTRYSIDE OVERRUN WITH GIANT INSECTS. Farmers panic, as reports of oversized insects skyrocket. Many of them believe that there could be disastrous consequences for the agricultural sector, if these massive insects don't disappear before the growing season. Some believe that this could be part of a greater conspiracy to cripple the American food security system. One concerned farmer speaks out: "It must have been the Chinese, they put something in the water to make these bugs grow bigger."
GIANT INSECTS: NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?. Amidst rising concerns about massive insects, the USDA has issued an official statement. In it, they stated that farmers should not worry about the increasing insect sizes. "We are working tightly with experts in the pesticide industry, to ensure that even IF insects keep getting bigger, so does our arsenal to combat them," a USDA official declared. On top of that, they assured that "the USA has stockpiled enough food for years to come."

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