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GOVERNMENT FACILITIES BOMBED: In an apparent foreign attack (contradicting earlier Department of Defense denials of the disaster being caused by Chinese aggression) a coordinated bombing strike hit a wide number of US governmental facilities simultaneously yesterday, as well as numerous locations in isolate parts of the coastal United States. A statement from the Pentagon has been issued, stating the strikes were the result of Chinese opportunism during the national crisis, and assured that action would be taken in kind against the aggressors. Allegations that these sites contained top-secret government research facilities related to the disaster have been vehemently denied.
RIOTS GROWING? Communications with government forces have been muddled by a large influx of aggressive armed individuals to nation-wide riots. "We have this under control," says a local police chief. "We are authorizing our forces to use lethal force on combative humans. In the meantime, people are advised to stay in their homes and avoid any contact with peacekeeping forces to avoid friendly fire." Riots are believed to be affecting cities worldwide since at least three weeks ago.
EVACUATION ALERT. The Federal government has announced a formal evacuation of all major centers, to pre-designated FEMA emergency shelters. Spokesperson Linda Garrison stated, "This is not expected to be a permanent issue. By evacuating to the shelters and camps FEMA set up for just such a situation, we can clamp down on riots without hurting uninvolved people." Garrison declined to comment on widespread allegations that the rioters are under the influence of psychosis-inducing biological agents.
RIOTERS MUTATING? Eyewitnesses from the New England Disaster Area have claimed that the allegedly psychotic rioters are displaying inhuman qualities. "I swear to God, one of them was the size of a tree!", said one panicked survivor. There are also reports of afflicted individuals with acidic or electric properties. CDC officials could not be reached for comment.
HELL ON EARTH? Boston has been quarantined. Prior to its complete lockdown, our journalists received a concerning email from a colleague within the city, describing horrendous and inhuman monsters walking the streets amidst the rioters. "I don't know who started it, but we call it Hastur. After the horror novel. The rioters fall in line behind it like soldiers, living and dead. Yeah, some of them are dead. They're lying to us, they've all been lying to us." Our editor-in-chief demanded we keep this article from you. He has been deposed. Rise up against the lies.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: "Aid Delayed". Fighting by the military at the edge of the New England Disaster Area is expected to delay civilian extraction. Civilians will be forced to supply themselves over the next weeks. Sources indicate this problem is widespread in other major population centers, but aggravated locally by the very high number of bombing targets over the last two days.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: "New England Cut Off". New England has been quarantined for the safety of the rest of the USA. No rescue attempts will be funded; it is assumed there are no survivors in the area. This follows on the heels of the quarantining of large sections of the Midwest last night. Cellular and land-based communication grids have been blocked by large numbers of people attempting to contact loved ones. It is recommended that civilians avoid use of these tools for all but the most urgent messages.
LEAVE IT TO THE EXPERTS - GENERAL: "Do not attempt to deal with people acting violent or unusual yourself. If you see someone dangerous, report to the nearest military or police blockade for assistance! Even guns are to be avoided: loud gunfire may attract more rioters than you have ammo!"
EVACUATION ALERT: FEMA officials said today "Do not try to defend your property in towns. Please retreat to your nearest evacuation center outside town and await extraction to a safe facility. Military officials require non-hostile civilians to be removed from potential hot sites for ongoing violence. When the evacuation order is over, you will be able to return to your homes."
EDITOR SAYS "DESTROY THE DEAD". Recognizable dead left lying in the street may be dangerous! If you kill a hostile, smash or butcher with a knife until unrecognizable! These aren't rioters, they're *undead*. The government has been lying to us all along. This will be our last issue.
THEY'RE NOT RIOTS! According to head officials at the Centers for Disease Control, functional MRI studies of rioters have fit autopsy data that suggests these people are under the influence of some sort of mind-altering agent causing erratic, violent behavior. A source inside the CDC, who did not wish to be named, informed our reporter "It's not just the rioters. They're the heaviest affected, but we scanned our own brains when we found out. It's everyone. It's in me, and you. It's in the government. The military. God help us all."
THE DEAD WALK. Amidst the violence of the riots, we can no longer disregard reports of fatally wounded rioters and police forces alike rising and joining the ranks of rioters. Government sources could not be reached to confirm or deny these reports, but our own reporters confirm it with photographic evidence shown below.
PORTALS? Reports of shimmering gateways opening around the US have been corroborated by our own reporting staff. One reporter witnessed a creature the size of an apartment building taking a direct hit from an Apache helicopter's weaponry and continuing to fight. Government officials could not be reached for comment, but a local pastor spoke to our reporter in the field. "There can no longer be any doubt," she was quoted as saying. "These are the end times."
ZOMBIES! Whether they're all the rioters, or just a few, it is now undeniable: the dead walk among the living, adding to the ranks of the psychos ripping our country apart from the inside. Full photo evidence inside.
CHINESE VICTORY AT HAND. Emperor Tsang Gu Yen of Grand China arrived in full state in Burlington, Vermont today to issue his proclamation that America, like all countries of Earth, now belongs to the New Grand Chinese Empire. Freedom has fallen. Rebel against his forces while you still can!
THEY WALK OUR EARTH. They are here. They are here. They are here. They are here. They are here. They are here.

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