| "I pity the fool who mistakes me for kitten!", sez Mr. T. |
| That's just an old tin can. |
| It's an altar to the horse god. |
| A box of dancing mechanical pencils. They dance! They sing! |
| It's an old Duke Ellington record. |
| A box of fumigation pellets. |
| A digital clock. It's stuck at 2:17 PM. |
| That's just a charred human corpse. |
| I don't know what that is, but it's not kitten. |
| An empty shopping bag. Paper or plastic? |
| Could it be… a big ugly bowling trophy? |
| A coat hanger hovers in thin air. Odd. |
| Not kitten, just a packet of Kool-Aid™. |
| A freshly-baked pumpkin pie. |
| A lone, forgotten comma, sits here, sobbing. |
| ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND CARPET FIBERS! |
| It's Richard Nixon's nose! |
| It's Lucy Ricardo. "Aaaah, Ricky!", she says. |
| You stumble upon Bill Gates' stand-up act. |
| Just an autographed copy of the Kama Sutra. |
| It's the Will Rogers Highway. Who was Will Rogers, anyway? |
| It's another robot, more advanced in design than you but strangely immobile. |
| Leonard Richardson is here, asking people to lick him. |
| It's a stupid mask, fashioned after a beagle. |
| Your State Farm Insurance™ representative! |
| It's the local draft board. |
| Seven 1/4" screws and a piece of plastic. |
| An 80286 machine. |
| One of those stupid "Homes of the Stars" maps. |
| A signpost saying "TO KITTEN". It points in no particular direction. |
| A hammock stretched between a tree and a volleyball pole. |
| A Texas Instruments of Destruction calculator. |
| It's a dark, amorphous blob of matter. |
| Just a pincushion. |
| It's a mighty zombie talking about some love and prosperity. |
| "Dear robot, you may have already won our 10 MILLION DOLLAR prize…" |
| It's just an object. |
| A mere collection of pixels. |
| A badly dented high-hat cymbal lies on its side here. |
| A marijuana brownie. |
| A plush Chewbacca. |
| Daily hunger conditioner from Australasia |
| Just some stuff. |
| Why are you touching this when you should be finding kitten? |
| A glorious fan of peacock feathers. |
| It's some compromising photos of Babar the Elephant. |
| A copy of the Weekly World News. Watch out for the chambered nautilus! |
| It's the proverbial wet blanket. |
| A "Get Out of Jail Free" card. |
| An incredibly expensive "Mad About You" collector plate. |
| Paul Moyer's necktie. |
| A haircut and a real job. Now you know where to get one! |
| An automated robot-hater. It frowns disapprovingly at you. |
| An automated robot-liker. It smiles at you. |
| It's a black hole. Don't fall in! |
| Just a big brick wall. |
| You found kitten! No, just kidding. |
| Heart of Darkness brand pistachio nuts. |
| A smoking branding iron shaped like a 24-pin connector. |
| It's a Java applet. |
| An abandoned used-car lot. |
| A shameless plug for Crummy: https://www.crummy.com/ |
| A shameless plug for the UCLA Linux Users Group: https://linux.ucla.edu/ |
| A can of Spam Lite. |
| This is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Stanley. |
| It's scenery for "Waiting for Godot". |
| This grain elevator towers high above you. |
| A Mentos wrapper. |
| It's the constellation Pisces. |
| It's a fly on the wall. Hi, fly! |
| This kind of looks like kitten, but it's not. |
| It's a banana! Oh, joy! |
| A helicopter has crashed here. |
| Carlos Tarango stands here, doing his best impression of Pat Smear. |
| A patch of mushrooms grows here. |
| A patch of grape jelly grows here. |
| A spindle, and a grindle, and a bucka-wacka-woom! |
| A geyser sprays water high into the air. |
| A toenail? What good is a toenail? |
| You've found the fish! Not that it does you much good in this game. |
| A Buttertonsils bar. |
| One of the few remaining discoes. |
| Ah, the uniform of a Revolutionary-era minuteman. |
| A punch bowl, filled with punch and lemon slices. |
| It's nothing but a G-thang, baby. |
| IT'S ALIVE! AH HA HA HA HA! |
| This was no boating accident! |
| Wait! This isn't the poker chip! You've been tricked! DAMN YOU, MENDEZ! |
| A livery stable! Get your livery! |
| It's a perpetual immobility machine. |
| "On this spot in 1962, Henry Winkler was sick." |
| There's nothing here; it's just an optical illusion. |
| The World's Biggest Motzah Ball! |
| A tribe of cannibals lives here. They eat Malt-O-Meal for breakfast, you know. |
| This appears to be a rather large stack of trashy romance novels. |
| Look out! Exclamation points! |
| A herd of wild coffee mugs slumbers here. |
| It's a limbo bar! How low can you go? |
| It's the horizon. Now THAT'S weird. |
| A vase full of artificial flowers is stuck to the floor here. |
| A large snake bars your way. |
| A pair of saloon-style doors swing slowly back and forth here. |
| It's an ordinary bust of Beethoven… but why is it painted green? |
| It's TV's lovable wisecracking Crow! "Bite me!", he says. |
| Hey, look, it's war. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. |
| It's the amazing self-referential thing that's not kitten. |
| A flamboyant feather boa. Now you can dress up like Carol Channing! |
| "Sure hope we get some rain soon," says Farmer Joe. |
| "How in heck can I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain no more?" asks Farmer Al. |
| "Topsoil's all gone, ma," weeps Lil' Greg. |
| This is a large brown bear. Oddly enough, it's currently peeing in the woods. |
| A team of arctic explorers is camped here. |
| This object here appears to be Louis Farrakhan's bow tie. |
| This is the world-famous Chain of Jockstraps. |
| A trash compactor, compacting away. |
| This toaster strudel is riddled with bullet holes! |
| It's a hologram of a crashed helicopter. |
| This is a television. On screen you see a robot strangely similar to yourself. |
| This balogna has a first name, it's R-A-N-C-I-D. |
| A salmon hatchery? Look again. It's merely a single salmon. |
| It's a rim shot. Ba-da-boom! |
| It's creepy and it's kooky, mysterious and spooky. It's also somewhat ooky. |
| This is an anagram. |
| This object is like an analogy. |
| It's a symbol. You see in it a model for all symbols everywhere. |
| The object pushes back at you. |
| A traffic signal. It appears to have been recently vandalized. |
| "There is no kitten!" cackles the old crone. You are shocked by her blasphemy. |
| This is a Lagrange point. Don't come too close now. |
| The dirty old tramp bemoans the loss of his harmonica. |
| Look, it's Fanny the Irishman! |
| What in blazes is this? |
| It's the instruction manual for a previous version of this game. |
| A brain cell. Oddly enough, it seems to be functioning. |
| Tea and/or crumpets. |
| This jukebox has nothing but Cliff Richards albums in it. |
| It's a Quaker Oatmeal tube, converted into a drum. |
| This is a remote control. Being a robot, you keep a wide berth. |
| It's a roll of industrial-strength copper wire. |
| Oh boy! Grub! Er, grubs. |
| A puddle of mud, where the mudskippers play. |
| Plenty of nothing. |
| Look at that, it's the Crudmobile. |
| Just Walter Mattheau and Jack Lemmon. |
| Two crepes, two crepes in a box. |
| An autographed copy of "Primary Colors", by Anonymous. |
| Another rabbit? That's three today! |
| It's a segmentation fault. Core dumped, by the way. |
| A historical marker showing the actual location of /dev/null. |
| Thar's Mobius Dick, the convoluted whale. Arrr! |
| It's a charcoal briquette, smoking away. |
| A pizza, melting in the sun. |
| It's a "HOME ALONE 2: Lost in New York" novelty cup. |
| A stack of 7 inch floppies wobbles precariously. |
| It's nothing but a corrupted floppy. Coaster anyone? |
| A section of glowing phosphor cells sings a song of radiation to you. |
| This TRS-80 III is eerily silent. |
| A toilet bowl occupies this space. |
| This peg-leg is stuck in a knothole! |
| It's a solitary vacuum tube. |
| This corroded robot is clutching a mitten. |
| "Hi, I'm Anson Williams, TV's 'Potsy'." |
| This subwoofer was blown out in 1974. |
| Three half-pennies and a wooden nickel. |
| It's the missing chapter to "A Clockwork Orange". |
| It's a burrito stand flyer. "Taqueria El Ranchito". |
| This smiling family is happy because they eat LARD. |
| Roger Avery, persona un famoso de los Estados Unidos. |
| Ne'er but a potted plant. |
| A parrot, kipping on its back. |
| A forgotten telephone switchboard. |
| A forgotten telephone switchboard operator. |
| It's an automated robot-disdainer. It pretends you're not there. |
| It's a portable hole. A sign reads: "Closed for the winter". |
| Just a moldy loaf of bread. |
| A little glass tub of Carmex. ($.89) Too bad you have no lips. |
| A Swiss-Army knife. All of its appendages are out. (toothpick lost) |
| It's a zen simulation, trapped within an ASCII character. |
| It's a copy of "The Rubaiyat of Spike Schudy". |
| It's "War and Peace" (unabridged, very small print). |
| A willing, ripe tomato bemoans your inability to digest fruit. |
| A robot comedian. You feel amused. |
| It's KITT, the talking car. |
| Here's Pete Peterson. His batteries seem to have long gone dead. |
| "Blup, blup, blup", says the mud pot. |
| More grist for the mill. |
| Grind 'em up, spit 'em out, they're twigs. |
| The boom box cranks out an old Ethel Merman tune. |
| It's "Finding kitten", published by O'Reilly and Associates. |
| Pumpkin pie spice. |
| It's the Bass-Matic '76! Mmm, that's good bass! |
| "Lend us a fiver 'til Thursday", pleas Andy Capp. |
| It's a tape of '70s rock. All original hits! All original artists! |
| You've found the fabled America Online disk graveyard! |
| Empty jewelboxes litter the landscape. |
| It's the astounding meta-object. |
| Ed McMahon stands here, lost in thought. Seeing you, he bellows, "YES SIR!" |
| …thingy??? |
| It's 1000 secrets the government doesn't want you to know! |
| The letters O and R. |
| A magical… magic thing. |
| "201 Kitten Verbs, Fully Conjugated". You look for "find". |
| "50 Years Among the Non-Kitten Items", by Ann Droyd. |
| "Address Allocation for Private Internets" by Yakov Rekhter et al. |
| "Dear robot, you may have already won our 10 MILLION DOLLAR prize…" |
| "Go back to Libraria!", says Pat Schroeder. |
| "Mail Routing and the Domain System" by Craig Partridge. |
| "Move along! Nothing to see here!" |
| "No!" says the bit. |
| "Robot may not injure kitten, or, through inaction, …" |
| "The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism" by Emmanuel Goldstein. |
| "Yes!" says the bit. |
| A bag of groceries taken off the shelf before the expiration date. |
| A bitchin' homemade tesla coil. |
| A book with "Don't Panic" in large friendly letters across the cover. |
| A book: Feng Shui, Zen: the art of randomly arranging items that are not kitten. |
| A broken metronome sits here, it's needle off to one side. |
| A caboodle. |
| A canister of pressurized whipped cream, sans whipped cream. |
| A card shark sits here, practicing his Faro shuffle. He ignores you. |
| A chain hanging from two posts reminds you of the Gateway Arch. |
| A compendium of haiku about metals. |
| A copy of DeCSS. They're a dime a dozen these days. |
| A coupon for one free steak-fish at your local family diner. |
| A crowd of people, and at the center, a popular misconception. |
| A demonic voice proclaims "There is no kitten, only Zuul". You flee. |
| A discredited cosmology, relic of a bygone era. |
| A dodecahedron bars your way. |
| A frosted pink party-cake, half eaten. |
| A gravestone stands here. "Izchak Miller, ascended." |
| A grin. |
| A hedgehog. It looks like it knows something important. |
| A hollow voice says "Plugh". |
| A kitten sink, for washing kitten (if only kitten liked water). |
| A kitten source (to match the kitten sink). |
| A knight who says "Either I am an insane knave, or you will find kitten." |
| A large blue eye floats in midair. |
| A lotus. You make an interesting pair. |
| A mason jar lies here open. It's label reads: "do not open!". |
| A mathematician calculates the halting probability of a Turing machine. |
| A milk carton, with a black and white picture of kitten on the side. |
| A neural net -- maybe it's trying to recognize kitten. |
| A non-descript box of crackers. |
| A number of short theatrical productions are indexed 1, 2, 3, … n. |
| A pile of coaxial plumbing lies here. |
| A screwdriver. |
| A set of keys to a 2001 Rolls Royce. Worthless. |
| A sign reads: "Go home!" |
| A sign reads: "No robots allowed!" |
| A statue of a girl holding a goose like the one in Gottingen, Germany. |
| A stegosaurus, escaped from the stegosaurusfindsrobot game. It finds you. |
| A technical university in Australia. |
| A tetradrachm dated "42 B.C." |
| A train of thought chugs through here. |
| A voice booms out "Onward, kitten soldiers…" |
| A wireframe model of a hot dog rotates in space here. |
| A wondrous and intricate golden amulet. Too bad you have no neck. |
| Air Guitar!!! NA na NA na!! |
| An animate blob of acid. Being metallic, you keep well away. |
| An aromatherapy candle burns with healing light. |
| An eminently forgettable zahir. |
| An old bootable business card, unfortunately cracked down the middle. |
| Any ordinary robot could see from a mile away that this wasn't kitten. |
| Apparently, it's Edmund Burke. |
| Approaching. One car. J. Followed by. Two car. M, M. In five. Minutes. |
| Baling wire and chewing gum. |
| Carbonated Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Color, Phosphoric Acid, Flavors, Caffeine. |
| Chewing gum and baling wire. |
| Conan O'Brian, sans jawbone. |
| Ed Witten sits here, pondering string theory. |
| Fonzie sits here, mumbling incoherently about a shark and a pair of waterskis. |
| For a moment, you feel something in your hands, but it disappears! |
| Free Dmitry Sklyarov! |
| Free Jon Johansen! |
| Here is a book about Robert Kennedy. |
| Here is no kitten but only rock, rock and no kitten and the sandy road. |
| Hey, I bet you thought this was kitten. |
| Hey, robot, leave those lists alone. |
| Ho hum. Another synthetic a posteriori. |
| If it's not one thing, it's another. |
| If it's one thing, it's not another. |
| It is -- I just feel something wonderful is about to happen. |
| It is a cloud shaped like an ox. |
| It is a marzipan dreadnought that appears to have melted and stuck. |
| It is a set of wind-up chatter teeth. |
| It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three. |
| It pleases you to be kind to what appears to be kitten -- but it's not! |
| It seems to be a copy of "A Tail of Two Kitties". |
| It's "Chicken Soup for the Kitten-seeking Soulless Robot." |
| It's Asimov's Laws of Robotics. You feel a strange affinity for them. |
| It's Bach's Mass in B-minor! |
| It's Death. |
| It's Emperor Shaddam the 4th's planet! |
| It's Kieran Hervold. Damn dyslexia! |
| It's Roya Naini. |
| It's Sirhan-Sirhan, looking guilty. |
| It's a Cat 5 cable. |
| It's a DVD of "Crouching Monkey, Hidden Kitten", region encoded for the moon. |
| It's a Dvorak keyboard. |
| It's a U.S. president. |
| It's a big block of ice. Something seems to be frozen inside it. |
| It's a big smoking fish. |
| It's a blatant plug for Ogg Vorbis, https://xiph.org/vorbis/ |
| It's a blind man. When you touch, he exclaims "It's a kitten prospecting robot!" |
| It's a bottle of nail polish remover. |
| It's a bug. |
| It's a business plan for a new startup, kitten.net. |
| It's a cardboard box full of 8-tracks. |
| It's a copy of "Zen and The Art of Robot Maintenance". |
| It's a copy of Knuth with the chapter on kitten-search algorithms torn out. |
| It's a copy of the robotfindskitten EULA. |
| It's a free Dmitry Sklyarov! |
| It's a free Jon Johansen! |
| It's a hundred-dollar bill. |
| It's a lost wallet. Its owner didn't have pets, so you discard it. |
| It's a moment of silence. |
| It's a mousetrap, baited with soap. |
| It's a piece of cloth used to cover a stage in between performances. |
| It's a revised business plan for a new startup, my.kitten.net. |
| It's a rotten old shoe. |
| It's a squad of Keystone Kops. |
| It's a square. |
| It's a synthetic a priori truth! Immanuel would be so pleased! |
| It's an Internet chain letter about sodium laureth sulfate. |
| It's an autographed copy of "Secondary Colors," by Bob Ross. |
| It's an inverted billiard ball! |
| It's either a mirror, or another soulless kitten-seeking robot. |
| It's the ASCII Floating Head of Seth David Schoen! |
| It's the Donation of Constantine! |
| It's the Tiki Room. |
| It's the author of "Randomness and Mathematical Proof". |
| It's the crusty exoskeleton of an arthropod! |
| It's the embalmed corpse of Vladimir Lenin. |
| It's the handheld robotfindskitten game, by Tiger. |
| It's the phrase "and her", written in ancient Greek. |
| It's the triangle leg adjacent to an angle divided by the leg opposite it. |
| It's this message, nothing more. |
| It's your favorite game -- robotfindscatan! |
| Judith Platt insults librarians. |
| Just a broken hard drive containing the archives of Nerth Pork. |
| Just a man selling an albatross. |
| Just a monitor with the blue element burnt out. |
| Just some old play by a Czech playwright, and you can't read Czech. |
| Just the empty husk of a locust. |
| Kitten is the letter 'Q'. Oh, wait, maybe not. |
| Lysine, an essential amino acid. Well, maybe not for robots. |
| Mr. Hooper is here, surfing. |
| No kitten here. |
| One person shouts "What do we want?" The crowd answers "Free Dmitry!" |
| Preoccupation with finding kitten prevents you from investigating further. |
| Quidquid Latine dictum sit, kitten non est. |
| Robot should not be touching that. |
| Run away! Run away! |
| Someone has written "ad aerarium" on the ground here. |
| Someone's identity disk lies here. |
| Something is written here in the dust. You read: "rJbotf ndQkttten". |
| Stimutacs. |
| Sutro Tower is visible at some distance through the fog. |
| The Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998. |
| The United States Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit. |
| The ghost of your dance instructor, his face a paper-white mask of evil. |
| The intermission from a 1930s silent movie. |
| The ionosphere seems charged with meaning. |
| The non-kitten item bites! |
| The non-kitten item like this but with "false" and "true" switched is true. |
| The non-kitten item like this but with "true" and "false" switched is false. |
| The rothe hits! The rothe hits! |
| The score for a Czech composer's "Kitten-Finding Symphony in C". |
| The specter of Sherlock Holmes wills you onwards. |
| The swampy ground around you seems to stink with disease. |
| There is an opulent throne here. |
| This appears to be a statue of Perseus. |
| This copy of "Steal This Book" has been stolen from a bookstore. |
| This invisible box contains a pantomime horse. |
| This is a porcelain kitten-counter. 0, 0, 0, 0, 0… |
| This is a tasty-looking banana creme pie. |
| This is the chapter called "A Map of the Cat?" from Feynman's autobiography. |
| This is the forest primeval. |
| This is the tenth key you've found so far. |
| This jar of pickles expired in 1957. |
| This kit is the fourteenth in a series of kits named with Roman letters. |
| This looks like Bradley's "Appearance and Reality", but it's really not. |
| This map is not the territory. |
| This might be the fountain of youth, but you'll never know. |
| This non-kitten item no verb. |
| This particular monstrosity appears to be ENIAC. |
| This place is called Antarctica. There is no kitten here. |
| This seems to be junk mail addressed to the finder of the Eye of Larn. |
| This tomography is like, hella axial, man! |
| Tigerbot Hesh. |
| Vladimir Lenin's casket rests here. |
| We wish you a merry kitten, and a happy New Year! |
| Werner's "Pocket Field Guide to Things That Are Not Kitten". |
| You can see right through this copy of Brin's "Transparent Society". |
| You disturb a murder of crows. |
| You feel strangely unfulfilled. |
| You find a bright shiny penny. |
| You find a fraud scheme in which loans are used as security for other loans. |
| You found netkit! Way to go, robot! |
| You found nettik, but that's backwards. |
| You have found some zinc, but you must not stop here, for you must find kitten. |
| You have new mail in /var/spool/robot |
| You hit the non-kitten item. The non-kitten item fails to yowl. |
| You see a snowflake here, melting slowly. |
| You suddenly yearn for your distant homeland. |
| You've found the snows of yesteryear! So that's where they all went to. |
| You've found… oh wait, that's just a cat. |
| That is a moose, a thing of pure evil. You should "RUN!" |
| It's a half-drunk 200-liter tank of pine needle tea. |
| Here is a cargo space containing a six-month supply of pemmican. |
| This is a cardboard box, tragically uninhabited by any felines. |
| Watch your step! There is a board with a bunch of nails sticking up. |
| You count sixteen fire axes in this crate. |
| An assortment of high-caliber rifles in a body bag. |
| A muskellunge dives into the flowing deep water! |
| A duck flies over the flowing deep water! |
| The corpse is thoroughly pulped. |
| Jackpot! It's a toolbox, and a copy of "Under the Hood". |
| Looks like a fully-functional deathmobile. |
| A glass flask of Troglobite mutagen. |
| Just an ordinary pair of rollerblades. |
| Some harmless-looking mushrooms. |
| A nest full of containers! Or is it a container full of nests? |
| These socks have storage pouches sewn into them. |
| Whatever this is, it would take an extremely long time to wield. |
| Camouflaged in the underbrush here is the entrance to an LMOE shelter. |
| A box of delicious toast-ems! Sadly, you are a robot and cannot eat them. |
| Enough ordnance to scrub the entirety of New England off the face of the earth. |
| Oooh look! A mininuke (active). Best not touch that… |
| Not a kitten, but what appears to be a ferret eating a plate of lasagne. |
| A bunch of pies! In a plastic box, of course. |
| It's the Skeleton Costume Design Committee. |
| This is the end of the world. |
| This is a model of Yugo car from 1984. |
| A wooden barrel of water. |
| A box of sunflowers. |
| A book on what animal to eat. |
| A bucket of poisonous gas. |
| A diary that proves your wife is never home. |
| A jar full of Earthworms. |
| A CD of Little Richard. |
| A jar of fingerprints. |
| A lifetime supply of beef. |
| A pen that still has some ink in it. |
| The Golden Fleece. |
| Exactly 37 hot dogs. |
| The Panama Papers |
| A copy of Don Quixote, slightly eaten. |
| A solid gold rocket car. |
| Your long lost twin's roommate. |
| A pile of very sharp cherry tree petals. |
| Some brass laundry tokens. |
| A plastic bin containing an assortment of spatulas. |
| A power dongle belonging to a long-lost electronic gadget. |
| A potato clock that someone forgot to change for Daylight Saving Time. |
| Ninety-nine red balloons. |
| A bobble-head statue of Genghis Khan winking at you. |
| Your sense of dignity. |
| The One Paperclip, forged in the fires of Mount Doom. |
| That one screw you were missing to finish building an Ikea desk three years ago. |
| A kitten! No… wait, it's a turkey. |
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