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READY FOR THE WORST. In response to growing public concern about a potential attack from China, President Oswald announced a major funding initiative for the construction of FEMA-supported evacuation shelters near major population sites. "These shelters will provide a much-needed near safety points in an emergency," said a spokesperson for FEMA. "They're to be equipped with a secure basement that can resist heavy bombardment, able to fit hundreds of people, and equipped to survive gas and biological attacks. They have self-contained water and power, protective gear, and communications equipment. In short, they are public survivalist bunkers. We've very excited about this initiative."
GRAVE BUSINESS: Recent reports show a large spike in thefts from and assaults on funeral homes in the last few weeks. Described as highly strange but not especially dangerous, Homeland Security is "looking at the connections now."
TELEPORTATION? An unidentified source working in a major university contacted multiple media outlets this week with a far-fetched story that is nonetheless corroborated by third-party physicists as "shockingly possible". This source, nicknamed "Deep Space", describes secret government experimentation into teleportation, dating back over a decade. "When I read the tagline, I just scoffed," said Dr. Alice Feyn, a physics professor at MIT. "Then I read on. This is strongly reminiscent of Dr. Takatoshi's lost work. It feels bizarre to say it, but I think there's a grain of truth to all of this." Dr. Amy Takatoshi was a quantum physicist who went missing, along with all records of her work, several years ago.
LASERS - NEXT BIG THING?: Top defense researchers remarked during demonstration of a prototype today: "We are still working on it, the laser weapon lacks power, but has a technically almost unlimited range," Colonel Sylver, a spokesperson for the military said. Laser weapons have been used for years in large-scale platforms, especially as anti-ordnance weapons; this marks the first field use of human-sized energy weapons. "There's no real advantage over conventional weaponry at this point," said analyst Mark Coza in an interview. "I think they're rolling them out mainly to intimidate China, and in the hopes that field testing leads to further improvements."
DRUG USE ON THE RISE: Recent statistic suggest drug use in New England has climbed more than 20% in the last two years. "People are scared for their jobs, their country, even their life… of course some will turn to drugs," said an expert.
EDITORIAL: DRUG USE SPIKE DUE TO ECONOMY. It's no secret that President Oswald's promises of a booming new tech economy have fallen flat on their face. Whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, we should all be ready to march on Washington and let Oswald know how we feel about broken promises and unemployment. Instead, people are drowning their sorrows in drugs, as usual, and nothing will change.
EDITORIAL: SOCIAL MEDIA HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND, AND GONE OUT OF COUNTRY. We can no longer trust what we read, and it's all because of social media. Although our newspaper takes painstaking efforts to source our data, our colleagues have forgotten what it means to be a journalist, and widespread falsehoods are repeated even by reputable publications as fact. What is the ultimate source of all this misinformation? It's anyone's guess, but I think we need look no further than our largest international trade partner and rival, China.
EDITORIAL: HOME CANNING NEEDS TO MAKE A COMEBACK. With food security in question after severe drought this year, I think it's clear we all need to get out Grandma's old books, and learn how to can again. Grocery stores could be a bit empty this winter, and now is the time to make pickles and preserves while the pickling's good. In this issue, three of our editors share their uplifting stories of rediscovering the joys of home canning.
EDITORIAL: THIS IS WHERE 'ME TOO' ENDS UP. It's been a while now since 'Me Too' swept the message boards of our nation, but its repercussions are felt every day. Disconnected from our identities and our heritage by the overwhelming urge to suppress the white male and hide his every achievement, American citizens are turning to drugs and violence to find a place of belonging. The government swings its hefty blame-stick around, trying to shine a light on the rise in crime and failing economy, but the answer is obvious to anyone who simply looks: it is the loss of our racial and sexual identity that's at the root. Mark my words: within a year, there will be a reckoning, and it won't be caused by the government or some outside power, it will be from the broken heart of America.
TECHWORLD NEWS: THE GROCERY BOT. Uncanny unveils its new product - the Grocery Bot! Thousands of else-if statements, pre-recorded voice from professional actors, what more does this adorable android hides under its smiling face? Our expert got the answer for you!
EDITORIAL: THE RISE OF THE RIGHT HAS BROUGHT US HERE. As the wounded white male ego becomes more and more of a self-stereotype, we see the cost of allowing right-wing sentiment echoed all around us. Through closet capitulation to the demands of the most extremist right-wing groups, President Oswald has made policies that allow foreign drugs to run rampant through our nation. Hiding under the guise of generally increased crime rates, conservative extremists have taken over our cities, stalking the streets at night and enacting vicious vigilante-style beatings on anyone they deem different.
NEW LAB OPENS: The H.R. Bennett Research Facility has been officially opened by the Department of Energy. According to Deputy Secretary of Energy Randall Balakrishnan, "This facility is one of the most state-of-the-art in the world. With the opening of the H.R. Bennett research complex, New England's future is looking brighter than ever."
THE FOREIGN DESIGNER DRUG THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT. Concerning reports from a source in the Boston Police Department have hinted that there is a new drug on the streets. Move over, fentanyl: this is a new substance, nicknamed Forbidden City. While it has a lower fatal overdose rate, Forbidden City is many times more addictive than heroin or methamphetamines, and is making its way quickly around the streets.
WHEN I DID MY TIME. We spoke to Dan Huang, the Chinese-American author of the New York Times bestselling exposé "When I Did my Time", the story of his three years living with his extended family in China, immersed in what he describes as "The ever-escalating anti-American propaganda of the East." "It's a real threat," said Huang. "They are being taught to hate our freedom, and our technology. Mark my words: there is going to be a reckoning, and we need to be ready."
MAN EATING FLOWERS? Italian biologist Dr. Flavio Bianchi responded to an ethics board denial of his work with an unusual announcement last Tuesday. "I do not need your permission to do my work," stated Dr. Bianchi in a letter to the University of Milan. "I will do my research in private, and when I am done, you will rue the day you defied me." Dr. Bianchi's work? Engineering Venus fly traps large enough to keep the local stray cat population at bay. His tenure with the university is reported to have been suspended.
IT CAME FROM BEYOND. [Pictured: Margaret Antwerp holds the fragment of alien satellite that landed in her rose garden.] It was a normal day for Margaret. Normal, that is, until a thundering crash in her front yard nearly knocked her house over. "This damn thing fell right out of space, I tell you," she told investigative journalists from our Paranormal Investigations department. "It was glowing red hot, and it had burnt my prize-winning roses to a crisp." The US government and air force have declined to comment, as usual.
MENDING FENCES. Growing international tensions have prompted President Oswald to call for unprecedented funding increases for security revitalization. The president is calling for new "precision micro" military installations to be built across the nation, with thousands to be constructed in New England alone. These come alongside similarly ambitious budget increases for FEMA and scientific research. A coalition of civil rights orgs, neighborhood associations, and environmental advocates have denounced the initiative.
BIGGER BEES. State biologists are unable to explain the emergence of bees that are two and three times normal size. Authorities say that bees larger than golf balls are being reported across the state. As of this time, there have been no reports of increased aggression or other behavioral changes in the oversized insects. "I'm glad to see the resurgence in the bee population," said Dr. Melissus "Mel" Versed, an entomologist at Tufts University. He added, "while Anthophila this large are unprecedented in New England, there is nothing particularly harmful about the phenomena. Think of the honey yields!"
JAMES HAWTHORNE TWITTER FEUD. Everyone's talking about the latest trending news on Twitter. "Uncanny" tech magnate and upcoming challenger to the title of "richest man in America", James Hawthorne, had a protracted Twitter battle with Minnesota Democratic senatorial candidate Lester Namboney, starting over taxation laws, and running all the way down to grade school insults. Go to page 5 for the choicest tweets.
UNCANNY: SHADOWS IN PARADISE. Uncanny, a tech development firm that has gone from nothing to a household name throughout the United States in the last two years, has been a hot topic since they entered the limelight. We all know about James Hawthorne and his charismatic combination of sarcastic quipping and insightful observations. Everyone has seen his tweets, and his TED Talk went viral last year. Behind the smokescreen, though, hides labor practices that have left employees scarred and, in some cases, permanently unable to work. Did you know that Uncanny's Portland manufacturing site tried unsuccessfully to unionize last month? I bet you didn't. Did you know that four union organizers disappeared prior to the vote? I bet you didn't. Are you wondering why none of this was reported? So am I.
CHINA CLAIMS FUSION BREAKTHROUGH. Beijing announced the successful activation of what it called a "commercially viable" fusion reactor at a remote facility in Qinghai Province, a claim that, if verified, would represent a stunning leap past Western research programs. Satellite imagery appears to confirm that the facility is connected to the regional power grid and that construction of additional transmission infrastructure is underway. The White House declined to comment, but congressional leaders were quick to respond, with Senator Hargrove calling for an emergency intelligence briefing.
PHYSICISTS QUESTION CHINESE FUSION CLAIMS. Dr. Dantua Sadowski of Princeton's Plasma Physics Laboratory was among several researchers to express doubt, calling the published reactor specifications "hard to comprehend" and noting that the described containment temperatures would require materials that are, to her knowledge, physically impossible. Beijing's energy ministry dismissed these concerns in a statement and reiterated its invitation for international observers, though no date has been confirmed. ITER spokesperson Evan Colten declined to comment on the claims directly but acknowledged that the consortium's own timeline was "being reassessed in light of recent developments."
ADMINISTRATION PUSHES BACK ON "FUSION GAP". Press Secretary Hyland pushed back on what she called "irresponsible speculation" about the United States falling behind China in energy technology, telling reporters that domestic research programs "remain the most advanced in the world" and that the administration sees "no cause for alarm." She declined to address questions about the classified intelligence briefing requested by members of the Senate Armed Services Committee last week.
ITER VISIT TO CHINESE REACTOR "STILL PENDING". Three months after Beijing agreed "in principle" to allow international observers to visit the Qinghai fusion facility, no visit has taken place. Evan Colten, a spokesperson for the ITER consortium, declined to comment on what ITER has characterized as "repeated scheduling difficulties." Chinese officials have cited construction activity at the site and safety protocols as reasons for the delay, and have twice rescheduled preparatory meetings with consortium representatives. ITER's director noted in a separate statement that the consortium "remains committed to verification" but declined to characterize the delays further.
SATELLITE IMAGES RAISE NEW QUESTIONS ON CHINESE ENERGY PROGRAM. Orbital84, a commercial satellite imagery firm, released photos this week showing several construction projects across western China that it says share "significant structural similarities" with the Qinghai fusion facility. The firm also noted that their archival imagery indicates that construction at these sites began eighteen months before the Qinghai announcement, and has expanded considerably over that period. A State Department spokesperson cautioned against "drawing conclusions from commercial satellite photography" and reiterated that the original fusion claims remain unverified by any independent body.
CHINESE ISOTOPE EXPORTS SURGE, BEIJING CREDITS FUSION PROGRAM. Global markets for medical and industrial isotopes have been shaken by a sudden influx of Chinese supply, driving prices to multi-year lows. Beijing's energy ministry attributed the surplus to "byproducts of ongoing fusion operations at the Qinghai facility," claiming that the reactor has been in partial operation for months longer than previously disclosed.
FACULTY EXODUS SPREADS TO BIOLOGY DEPARTMENTS. The wave of faculty departures that has hollowed out physics departments at universities across the country appears to be spreading to the life sciences. Since January, dozens of senior biologists have left tenured positions at major research universities, following the same pattern of nondisclosure agreements and abrupt resignations that has defined the physics exodus. The departures span a strikingly wide range of specializations: virology, microbiology, structural biology, genetics, and even ecology, fields with little obvious connection to one another. A Freedom of Information Act request seeking records of government recruitment in the biological sciences was denied on national security grounds. "Since when are mycelial networks a matter of national security?" said one colleague of a recently departed researcher.
IN WINSLOW, A BUILDING BOOM WITH NO CLEAR EXPLANATION. The facility, which sits on approximately forty acres of land purchased by the federal government through a series of transactions that were not publicly disclosed until local reporters obtained the records through a Freedom of Information Act request, consists of at least six large buildings, several of which have no windows. A seventh structure, partially underground, is visible only from the air. The General Services Administration described the project in procurement documents as a "research and logistics facility" and listed the client agency only as "DOD-Other." Route 137, which passes the facility's main entrance, has been subject to intermittent closures that the sheriff's office has attributed to "utility work," though residents say the closures often coincide with the arrival of flatbed trucks carrying equipment under tarps and unmarked white vans arriving in convoys of three or four.

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