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SURGEON GENERAL: DEAD ARE STAYING DEAD: "Stories about the dead rising are completely unfounded and medically impossible.", the office of the surgeon general said in a press conference today. "It's an obvious hoax by people just looking for five minutes of fame, or to scare people in these uncertain times. After all, remember the clown thing a few years ago?" A critic pointed to the increasingly widespread viral videos of rioters with clearly fatal injuries rising to return to the rioting. "Within ten hours, someone will have deep faked this video to make me look like a Star Wars character," replied the spokesperson, "and you're confused by a bit of home grown CGI showing zombies?"
GENERAL SAYS AVOID BUNKERS: Even in riot affected areas, do not attempt to flee to military bunkers or outposts! Understaffed bunkers are defended by automated turrets, which will shoot those without proper registration. FEMA has authorized use of emergency evacuation shelters for people seeking refuge from riots.
VIOLENCE OUTBREAKS ARE UNIVERSAL. Despite government efforts to claim the situation is "under control", sources in the CDC have confirmed our own investigative results: there are now major unchecked riots in every city in the United States. Similar reports are trickling in from countries across the globe. We recommend packing a bugout bag and heading to your cabin on the lake, if you have one.
ZOMBIE DRUG? A controversial blogger suggested the recent riots are a chemical attack by China in her latest podcast. "They're jealous of our military superiority, so they teamed up with Haiti to put hoodoo drugs in the water making people zombies! You've all heard of Forbidden City, who hasn't? well, this is what they were testing, and now we're seeing it everywhere!"
SUPERSOLDIER EXPERIMENTS GONE WRONG. Recently leaked documents from an inside source in a hitherto unknown government agency abbreviated 'XEDRA' confirm that violent riots across the country are the result of an accidentally released self-replicating supersoldier serum. The serum gives people unprecedented strength and durability, even regenerative capacity, but has the dangerous side effect of causing uncontrolled anger. Although the leak suggests that the effect should wear off, it may take weeks or even months to reach a stable state.
DISTURBING VIDEO SHOWS PSYCHOTIC RIOTERS. We've all known something was really wrong for a while. A new, extremely disturbing video has been making the social media rounds in a shocking way. It depicts a young woman amidst the riots violently and fatally attacking a girl that appears to be her own small daughter. To many, this is the last straw that confirms a dreadful suspicion: these riots are not the result of some social unrest, but represent a complete breakdown of rationality.
GOVERNMENT SPEAKS OUT ABOUT 'MIND CONTROL' RUMORS. Amidst rumors that nation- and world-wide riots are the result of a chemical mind control agent, the NSA held a press conference today. "This is not mind control. These rioters are human beings, normal people, controlled only by feverish violence at a level we've never seen before," said a flustered looking representative. "Although in some places excessive force has been required to deter rioters, we are treating them as the humans they are, not as some faceless mind-controlled horde. This is not science fiction, these are our friends and family."
THEY FLY THE SKIES. It spreads its wings and the sun blocks out. It strikes the helicopter from the sky with a simple wave of its claw. It rains spittle down on our faces and we dissolve. They are coming. They are coming. They are coming.
YOUR BUG-OUT BAG. In this issue we focus on tips and tricks to packing your bug-out bag. Whether you're near an urban center or in a small town, if you don't already have an emergency kit, you need one while supplies are still available. Don't be the one person caught without a lighter when you need a fire!
EDITORIAL: MY MOM, THE RIOTER. My mother was one of the first of the rioters in Jacksonville. I've been wondering for a long time how a retired sixty-seven year old woman with a passion for day lilies and knitting wound up allegedly beating a police officer to death and getting thrown in a containment tank. Last week, against all odds and at great personal risk, I managed to get her released into my care. I thought I could calm her down. When they gave her to me, she was straitjacketed and masked, like Hannibal Lecter. When I got her home I tried to remove the bindings, and she almost immediately tried to strangle me. It was all I could do to tie her back up and put her in the guest room. She still eats and drinks when I give her food, but I haven't seen her sleep. I don't know what that thing is in there, but it's not my mom. I hope she comes back soon.
PSYCHIC EMANATIONS? A seemingly far-fetched theory about ongoing riots sweeping the nation has been gaining traction after a leaked document about experiments in magnetic control of brain-waves. "Two weeks ago, I'd have told you this is ridiculous," said Dr. Andrew Morton, an epidemiologist and our leading expert on the medical basis for the riots. "Now? I'll consider anything. With the caveat that I don't think any of this is possible, magnetic weaponry altering our brain waves and making people into crazy violent psychopaths is more plausible than a lot of the theories running around. I certainly prefer this one to that 'zombies' suggestion from a few days ago."
CHINESE SOLDIERS SPOTTED AMIDST RIOTERS. Concerns that Chinese influence is behind the riots sweeping North America were corroborated today by reports of the appearance of PRC soldiers among the rioters in San Diego and San Francisco, apparently unaffected by the otherwise uncontrolled frenzy of violence. The government continues to deny the truth.
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM. Riots continue to rage unchecked across the country, maybe the world. Here in our newsroom we've taken a poll, and it's agreed: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. This will be our last issue, we're going out there to show the government exactly what we think of their limp-wristed failures.
WATCH POWER ARMOR IN ACTION. The National Guard deployed a recently-commissioned unit of heavy riot control power armor exoskeletons to the front lines of the riots in Waterville, Maine. This state of the art armor is able to repel almost any attack from a civilian rioter, and has been sent forward alongside infantry armed with pepper bullets and sponge rounds to contain rioters. "It's an uphill battle, but we've still got it contained," said Lieutenant Shawn Bhatti from inside his full-enclosure suit. "I can subdue a dozen rioters in this thing, and I've got a dozen men and women with me." Video of the power armor in action will be streamed on our website.
LETHAL FORCE DEPLOYED? Police and military forces deny the use of lethal force in riot control, but reports do not seem to corroborate their claims. From videos of gunshot-riddled corpses to aberrant reports from some military officials, it seems clear that at least in some areas, live fire turrets with fully AI-driven threat recognition are being deployed to bolster an overwhelmed military. We reached Major Linda Pryce in Montpelier, Vermont, for comment. "I don't ******* care what the orders are, I have men and civilians that need protecting," she told our reporters. "These rioters are worse than any insurgent I ever fought in Afghanistan, and I will use whatever I can to keep them under control."
LOCAL EVACUATION ORDERS. FEMA has announced small-scale evacuations of select centers where rioting is most intense. "This is a preventive measure," Spokesperson Linda Garrison told our correspondent. "We expect to have people home in a few days, but it's best we play it safe until then."
UNCANNY VALLEY. Faced with accusations of malfeasance in his AI designs, James Hawthorne appears to have *disappeared*. Hawthorne could not be reached for comment by any major news centers, as questions and even lawsuits about dangerous flaws in his widespread law enforcement AI packages rise.
ISS MUTINIES, ABANDONS STATION. Making their demands known through amateur radio communications, all astronauts and cosmonauts aboard the International Space Station have demanded that NASA and ROSCOSMOS allow them to rejoin their families amidst the recent riots and instability. Claims have been made that the agencies have shut them out of most controls aboard the station, endangering the lives of all aboard when they were unable to respond to a near-miss with orbital debris. NASA officials have continued to make no public statements regarding the demands, or the unconfirmed reports that the docked spacecraft have been launched, *without* aid from ground control.
RHODE ISLAND DECLARES SECESSION! In the midst of a nation-wide disaster, the governor of Rhode Island has declared unilateral secession and war with the government of the US. "My loyal Rhodians are withdrawing to Aquidneck and Conanicut Islands," said governor Alex Ackerwith in a public announcement this morning. "The US government has failed us. Any attempt by the US to intervene in our affairs will result in military action from the Narragansett Government. Frankly, I don't think they can get their shit together enough to challenge us."

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