RIOT IN BANKSLEY.
Irony was hot and dangerous in Banksley, Vermont today, where a fight broke out in a local coffee shop, reportedly starting over a dispute about the details of a similar riot in Carlhaven, Nebraska.
Within an hour, the fight had expanded to engulf the local downtown core.
Danielle Louiston, a server who fled the scene, was available for phone interview.
"It was like nothin' I've ever seen," describes Danielle.
"One minute it's a normal Friday morning, the next it's a bar brawl.
By the time I got outta there, most of the restaurant was involved.
I got in my car and just bolted home, then called the cops.
Turns out they're all in the fight!
The secretary and I, we got hold of the military and finally they came in and cleared things up."
Stabilizing the riots required the dispatch of three National Guard units.
Casualty reports are, as yet, unavailable.